A novel

Starting is hard. You don’t have any idea what to do what to say what to hear. Even words seem to fail you. As if life is a rope, a line when you don’t know the start or the end, you just take hold of the middle. Then you start continuing it for some time. It’s the same with putting down what’s on your mind. I wanna tell things about this and that. But I don’t know how to start it so it would all fall into place.

I’m 25. I wanna think like an old witch and I don’t wanna hear I’m old for this and that. I wanna be immortal. I wanna be invincible. I wanna be powerful. Hell, like a president. It was some time ago when I fancied being a president. With money and power, when people envy you. It’s not like I have not experienced the situations when I knew there were people who envied me. In this English of a class I go, I see them sometimes telling me they wish they could speak English like me or knew things like me. Then I realize it’s actually happening for everyone. You wanna be some better image you see in front of you when you are literally someone else’s image….

This isn’t working. I feel like I’m writing to an audience. I want it to be me and me.  Well, let’s do it this way. I’m NOT GOING TO PUBLISH THIS AS A BOOK.

THIS IS A NOVEL ALL BY ITSELF.

THIS IS NOT AN AUTOBIOGRAPGY AT ALL.

(THERE IS NO MENTION OF YOU IN THE PASSAGES.)

A formula one driver, it’s always what I wanted…. Well, not always, at first I wanted to be an astronaut, but well I wanted to travel through  universe and it seemed the most impossible way. I guess it’s like that with me. I wanna do the most craziest impossible thing out there. When I face an obstacle where it seems like a no zone because I’m a GIRL or OLD (hate this one, thanks to my dear music ass of a teacher) and so on and so forth. It’s rather refreshing to hear it from other people who had heard the same excuse. Well, one thing I learned honorably from the historical evidence is that there is NOTHING in the world you can not accomplish. Everything is possible. So I guess that terrifies a lot of these excusetioners (my new word, guess I would love German, heard this is the way they make new words, hope haven’t heard it wrong, read this way: /eks-kiuz-SHE-nerz/ or something like that). They are terrified of the unknown so they don’t let you break this menagerie of theirs. Yeah, I figured it out all by myself. With this rate I would solve all my problems and dissonance with just justifying them accordingly.

Seems impossible to be a formula one driver but hell, I don’t give a shit to whoever would say it’s impossible because I don’t have the experience since they start it from age of ten. But there was these answers that they had people with the age of 65 who won the cup. Well, who knows. Let’s get filthy rich first and we’ll do it anyway. And I’ll have to work on my body. That’ll come on its proper time. There is one thing, there are lots of ways to get rich. I’ll have to get good at computers and programming, I’ll have to get good at languages, well, there is my major, with petroleum probably I could find nice jobs and … (yeah, that’s right, not going to stick to a job or a position for the rest of my life). Nikoukar wants to change me because she thinks (ironically, I don’t think she actually does that) that I’m like jumping from one thing to another so it’s a bad thing. But I think (this is more important) that this is good. I like variety and enjoy doing a lot of things before I die.

Then there is this thing I do, I see faults fast. Faults with people, with things, with systems, I could take that as a plus. It’s not a talent everyone might have. I like speed too, I see fast. I react fast. Sometimes too fast for others so they think I’m out of order because of it, or I’m in a hurry all the time. Well, people are free to think whatever they’d want, I’m not gonna let them make me feel bad about me when THEY are the ones who can not take it.

If there is one thing in this world I won’t stop doing that would be watching series and movies. It certainly takes my mind off things very beautifully.

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