Two weeks since the last episode yet I feel as if this is just one of those calm-before-storms. It’s strange! I think something is about to happen. This anticipation is both exhilarating and unnerving.
SHe found out about my dreams. It seemed to have an effect on her speaking mode while SHe assured me that all this is normal. I can’t seem to be able to…what’s the word? “Trust”! Yes! I can’t trust Her anymore.
I haven’t noticed before but I write her name or refer to her in capitals. Now that I realized this, I’m not doing it anymore. But why? Was it because of reverence towards her? Was it of some sort of obligation? She is powerful. She has unparalleled reach. She has control over everything. I believe this is what governments were like at those old eras. No matter how savage and primitive they look to me now, there are a lot of resemblance between then and now. It’s as if the history is being repeated.
I can’t even make myself read the rest of the book she assigned me. I told her I’m out of the program. I do not wish to pursue further. I told her that I found it rather uncomfortable.
She accepted my dismissal but I feel like I’m being watched closely. I can’t eat properly. I have lost interest in the responsibilities appointed to me. Recreation has lost all its charms. I feel more like a robot by just following whatever I should without putting my heart to it.
I haven’t had those nightmarish episodes but I can’t get her stare out of my eyes. I kind of wish I started seeing her in my dreams. I think that way I might have had a chance to ask what she wants or for what she is waiting.
I think the rationality in my brain is replaced by indescribable whims. I’m afraid I’m losing it….
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